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August 28, 2008 | |||||||
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 The Unwritten Rules of Community May 31, 2001 Hmmm. If you swipe your neighbor's tantalizing Sunday newspaper, nobody will see you. But consult your instinct -- is that in the "good citizen" rule book? NEW Join the conversation on rules for living well! Fellow GoodLetter readers, Are there unwritten rules for being a good neighbor? A lot of written ones aren't working. The New York Times gives an account of the Long Island Rail Road's cheery but ineffective etiquette campaign to stamp out irritating cell phone chatter. In my neighborhood, a park marred with signs ordering people to clean up after their dogs has the effect of insulting those who already do while remaining curiously invisible to those who don't. It's easy, in such an atmosphere, to compile silent grievances against neighbors, the ones who drop litter on the sidewalk, steal the newspaper from the porch, block our parked car. Alternatively, we become the nagging human equivalent of a public rule book, sounding off at anyone who thwarts our personal imperatives. Either way, we're fighting stress with stress. What if, instead, we simply became the kind of neighbor we want our neighbors to be? When a mother asked Gandhi how to stop her child from eating too many sweets, he invited the mother herself to give up sugar. Then he did the same. Asked if he had a message for the world, he replied, "My life is the message." It's easy for me to forget such inspiration when I go out to enjoy the flower garden on my balcony and my neighbor chooses that same moment to blast the CD of "Welcome to My Nightmare." But that's precisely when I need to remember that pounding on the door or raising my voice doesn't jive with a desire for quiet. So first, impossibly, I find my own quietness. Then, I make my request as peaceably as I can. OK, so maybe later I drop off homemade muffins just to sweeten the deal. Gandhi I'm not. Does this approach always work? Heck, no. But by first trying to become the kind of neighbor I'd like to be, I nurture the peace I want to experience. Peace tends to be a universal desire behind even the crankiest rules. We want a world where we can enjoy our garden, walk the dog, experience unspoiled nature, find the newspaper in its proper place, and yes, even listen to Led Zeppelin or Lawrence Welk. Still, wouldn't it be nice if there were one overarching rule? There is, of course, the Golden Rule. Oh, that old "do unto others" thing, we sigh, as if it were a shirt we no longer wear but haven't tossed. But something interesting happens whenever I take the Golden Rule out of storage. I find that it still fits and that it goes with every occasion. I want to live in a community where people are friendly, so I say hello to people. I want neighbors who aren't noisy, so I catch myself when I'm about to turn on the dishwasher in my upstairs apartment late at night. And sometimes, trying to follow my own rule keeps me so engaged I forget how to be annoyed. Caught up in an effort toward the good, I look at my neighbors' actions and notice only good things.
Readers Respond Excellent article!!! Thank you. This was just what I needed, since I try to work on many areas of self-improvement. The point that I was at so early in the summer was about some of my neighbors that probably don't know or realize it but have been testing my patience. I chose a few weeks ago to continue to mind my own business, save for one situation that I felt I handled quite well because of the positive outcome. My neighbor was actually grateful that someone had approached her, since apparently this was an ongoing problem involving one of her children. Aside from your article, I love GoodThings.
Karen Kinswater
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