Somebody once said that contact with siblings is unique because your brothers and sisters are people with whom you would never have become friends were you not related. During my childhood in Sweden, my brother used to subject me to skillfully planned sessions of mental and physical torture. Nevertheless, I am indebted to him for some of my most unique accomplishments. Thanks to Mattias, I learned to master situations like running out of a sauna and directly into an ice cold lake, descending double diamond ski slopes on my butt, and most importantly, pitching a flat stone so it skips across the water. I'm also very good at making long phrases entirely of cusswords. Perhaps it doesn't seem that way, but some of these skills can take a girl far in life, and I had required them all by the age of 10.

Whatever your memories may be, you share a history. Sometimes, only a sister or brother will know about the tough times and sad moments that every family goes through. This history is part of what makes us who we are. Even so, it can be hard to maintain a strong connection over time, across distances, and between your own families and careers. But even if you haven't seen much of your sister or brother in recent years, you did spend a whole childhood together.

Perhaps the last time you saw your siblings they were sitting in front of you at the last July 4th barbecue or Thanksgiving dinner. In some cases, family gatherings, as fun as they may be, often prevent real intimacy and contact between family members. When the whole family meets together, it is hard not to fall into a pattern with each member taking on a traditional role. We also usually bring our spouses and children when we meet our siblings. And many of us only see our siblings during family gatherings around parents and other relatives. In this context, when the emphasis is on the collective meeting, not the individuals, it can sometimes be hard to be intimate and personal, despite all good intentions.

But it might not be as hard as you think to reconnect. Create a space where you can chat alone and ask each other questions, or just be together in silence. Team up in the kitchen for a rendition of your father's egg nog (if it was any good), or leave the dishes and go for a walk. Does your brother or sister need a break? Maybe it would be fun to skip the conventions of an upcoming holiday altogether. Plan a trip (with or without kids or spouses): Take a white water rafting excursion, or go to a baseball game or just your favorite downtown dive bar. Joke about your parents. Talk about things that might not have been that funny at the time. Perhaps you can laugh, or cry, about them now. Remember that don't have to travel to maintain contact. Did your sister always steal that red sweater out of your closet? Send her a red sweater. Did your brother always beat you at sports? (Mine did, and he was real smug about it.) Send him that picture of you on a snowboard.

My brother lives in Sweden; I live in Boston. We usually connect over the phone, e-mail and infrequent late night instant messaging sessions over the Web. These formats make it easier to skip polite questions or talk about the weather. You may just comment on your favorite team beating theirs, or ask for a recipe (even if you don't think much of their cooking), or let them know about something unimportant you're thinking about these days. It's easier to be personal and direct when you're not juggling a barbecue or a toddler. Personally, I cherish a brief postcard referencing a private joke more highly than any elaborate holiday dinner buffet.

Almost every family I know has some history of sibling separation. You grow apart, and you let small grudges over real estate, inheritance, jealousy or pride keep you that way. I feel like I owe it to my parents, to my future kids, and to myself to overcome these differences. My grandmother used to joke, 20 years ago, that her still young and testy sons wouldn't come together as family until her funeral. Two years ago she died, and that was the first time I had seen my cousins in two decades. With my brother Mattias, I can guarantee that will never happen.

Karin Widengren (e-mail Karin)

Karin is a Boston-based, Swedish-born freelance writer and GoodLetter contributor. Striving to "look good kicking some butt," she is learning the Nan Chuan form of Kung Fu which combines quick, explosive blocks and strikes with graceful, dance-like movements. [ Check out a few of her favorite goodthings ]

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TALK ABOUT IT
How do you and your siblings stay connected over the miles and years? What do you do with your brothers and sisters to improve the bond you built as kids? Share your stories.

LEARN MORE ABOUT IT
All you ever wanted to know about siblings -- rivalries, adopted siblings, making connections to older siblings, how to raise siblings -- but didn't think to ask. Visit iVillage's Web site.

DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT
Do you think brothers and sisters are important? So does the Sibling Support Project. Find out how you can connect with a Sibshop near you and help brothers and sisters with special needs.

You're an only child so all this talk of siblings means nothing to you. Find out what it's all about by becoming a Big Brother or a Big Sister.

Readers Respond

Dear Karin,

I enjoyed your comments and ideas. You had me remembering the day I ran away from home. I took four younger siblings with me. I was angry with an older brother. (Well, he was only 17 at the time, and that really is not so old when you hit 50.) My childhood memories are all quite good and exceptional. Still, I think I had better get on the ball and write, e-mail and phone them all (there were nine of us).

Thank you for taking the time to let us know about your own family and then for encouraging us all to keep in touch. Be well.

Ellie Braun-Haley
Centrala, Alberta, Canada

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